Lucius Christmas Carol
by eMu3
Summary: Do not read until XMas...almost time...
1. Introduction

Title: Lucius Christmas Carol  
  
Authors: eMu & Chikin  
  
Summary: The events of a Christmas carol, drawing more from the Muppet Christmas carol than the dickens book, with HP characters replacing them, all trying to save Lucius' soul. Takes place after the fifth book.  
  
Disclaimers: JK, Dickens, Brian Henson & Duckie.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Author's Notes: We're starting this one in August. That's pretty sad. L We watch Christmas Movies during heat waves.  
  
"The Marleys were dead, to begin with."  
  
"What? Sirius what the hell are you talking about?" James Potter asked wearily. Sirius blinked at him, as though coming out of a trance.  
  
"Huh? What? What was I saying?" Sirius asked stupidly.  
  
"You said…never mind. Introduce us to the kiddies." James suggested. Well, more ordered than suggested.  
  
"Okay. Hey all, I'm the loveable Sirius Black and this is James Potter, the not as loveable as Sirius…person. Man. Guy."  
  
"That's enough." James grumbled.  
  
"Not as cute either." Sirius pointed out.  
  
"Well I don't look as old as you! Ha!" James shouted. "Mr. Johnny die-lately!"  
  
"Ahem. I'm introducing us here. Anyway, we come from the spirit world, wooooo, to bring you a bit of Christmas fun. We're gonna mess around with Looshie's brain meats."  
  
"Yay." James said lamely.  
  
"Oh shut up if you can't be happy. It's Christmas!" Sirius whined.  
  
"It's not really Christmas. It's august, didn't you read the author's notes?" James pointed upwards. Sirius tilted his head up.  
  
"Ah! Where'd the sky go? It's like that winny the pooh book! Oh yeah, august. Hmm. Oh well, it'll be posted by Christmas so that means it's Christmas. And I am right. And you are yet again wrong. Jeremy."  
  
"You'd think after a few decades you'd stop calling me that but no!" James complained.  
  
"Eh. Snivvy never died so farbeit for us to let Jeremy die. No pun intended. Sorry, that was tasteless. Okay, anyway. We will be the happy and cute though I am cuter narrators for this tale. Wait, should we call us late narrators?"  
  
"late?"  
  
"Well we're dead." Sirius pointed out.  
  
James slapped a hand to his forehead. "Fine. We're the late and cute narrators, alright?"  
"But I'm cuter!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
"You think you wouldn't need so much assurance. Anywho, let's get started, shall we? We've rambled on for over a page of introduction."  
  
"Almost two at this font size." Sirius pointed out. "Okay, let's get our arses over to…where're we going?"  
  
"Dude, story tellers are omniscient. You're supposed to know!" James yelled.  
  
"Well do you know?!" Sirius demanded.  
  
James remained silent, finger still pointing at Sirius. He coughed. "No. Not really. Um…we're following Lucius. So maybe we should go to his house?"  
  
"Yeah alright. Where does he live?"  
  
"Malfoy manor, I assume."  
"Oh yeah. Good thinking. Are there signs?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Okay, while we get lost looking for the manor, you guys enjoy this little song." James said, waving the audience away with his hands. Sirius waved at them as the camera shifts its focus to Diagon alley, decorated merrily for Christmas. 


	2. Scooge's Song

"When a cold wind blows it chills you, chills you to the bone." A random traveller sang.  
  
"But there's nothing in nature that freezes your heart like years of being alone." Another particularly scary woman sang, a lady carrying a tray of fingernails actually. She was waddling in from knocturn alley, which was also decorated festively, if not a little creepily (think of a nightmare before Christmas decorations).  
  
"It paints you with indifference like a lady paints with rouge." Another man sang.  
  
"But the worst of the worst." An even scarier woman sang.  
  
"The most hated a cursed." Trelawney put in, before heading into a shop.  
  
"Is the one that we call…Loosh."  
  
"Unkind as any."  
  
"And the wrath of many."  
  
"this is that…okay his name really doesn't rhyme!" The peasant man shouted.  
  
"Call him scooge!" Trelawney shouted helpfully.  
  
"How does that fit?" The peasant asked, but someone hit him with a fish boomerang. "Ow."  
  
"Oh there goes Mr. Humbug, there goes Mr. Grim. If they gave a prize for being mean, the winner would be him!" A bunch of peasants sang in a perfectly harmonized but random chorus.  
  
Another group put in the following: "Old scoogey loves his money cuz he thinks it gives him power!"  
  
"If he became a flavour you can bet he would be sour." A group of magically altered muffins sang.  
  
"Even the muffins don't like him." Their peddler noted.  
  
"there goes Mr. Skin-flinch, there goes Mr. Greed."  
  
"The undisputed master of the underhanded deed." Jezzebel cried out, throwing some Christmas confetti. Lucius stalked by and glowered at her and her confetti. She sprayed glitter on him until he passed her, gripping his cane menacingly.  
  
"He charges folks a fortune…he's not a landlord. What do we sing there?" Lee Jordan asked.  
  
"Just hum!" Sirius suggested as James pulled him along. They'd appeared out of a barrel. Lee stared at them as he was relatively sure they were dead.  
  
"Hum…hum…hm hm." Lee hummed lamely.  
  
"As poor folk live in misery-"  
  
"It's even worse for mouses."   
  
"Ah! Possessed mice, they're singing!" Trelawney screeched.  
  
"Please ma'am, I want your soul. Cheese! I want cheese!" The mother mouse exclaimed. Trelawney grabbed the fisherang and chased after them.  
  
"He must be so lonely, he must be so sad." A group of widows sang. A goblin put a few knuts into their collecting tin. Some of them were wretchedly deformed. "He goes to extremes to convince us he's bad. He's really a victim of fear and of pride. Look close and there must be a sweet man inside."  
  
Lucius stopped in front of them, used a spell to remove some money from the tin and put it in his own pocket before passing. A frog lady flipped him off while the rest went "N'ah."  
  
What looked like a squirrel with a human leg said loudly, "Uh-uh."  
  
"There goes Mr. Outrage, there goes Mr. Sneer."  
  
"He has no time for friends or fun. His anger makes that clear." A man driving a horseless cart sang as he drove by. He was awfully green and wrinkly, with house elf like ears.  
  
"Don't ask him for a favour cuz his nastiness increases." A horse cautioned.  
  
"Ah! The horses are possessed too! The devil is in them!" Trelawney shrieked.   
  
"No crusts of bread for those in need."  
  
The mouses, taking advantage of her distracted state, sang a line.  
  
"No cheeses for us mieces."  
  
"Dude, there he is. He's right fucking there!" Sirius shouted, pointing after Lucius.   
  
"Oh. So he's still at work. That makes sense." James said lamely.  
  
"C'mon, we can catch 'im. He's heading to Knocturn alley!" Sirius and James tore after Lucius, bumping into very surprised peasants as they went.  
  
"AAAAAHH! It's Sirius black, the murderer!" A woman screamed. Sirius tipped his hat to her as he passed.  
  
"There goes Mr. Heartless, there goes Mr. Cruel."  
  
"He never gives, he only takes. He lets this hunger rule."  
  
"IF being mean's a way of life he's practiced and rehearsed."  
  
"then all that work is paying off cuz scooge's getting worse."  
  
"Every day in every way, Scooge's getting worse!" The peasants shouted. They were all congregated outside the shop Lucius was about to enter. He turned around to glare at them.  
  
"Boop boop." Lee said.  
  
Lucius waved his cane at them and they all dispersed, except James and Sirius, who waved.   
  
"You can't see us!" Sirius called.  
  
"But he can hear us!" James hissed, smacking Sirius.  
  
"Wait, but everyone else can see us, that's just silly."  
  
"And lazy of our authors." James faced Lucius. Sirius smiled. Lucius looked very confused. "Well? What are you doing? Enter the shop already!"  
  
"O-okay Potter." Lucius turned around and entered the shop, deciding that he needed to have his head checked at the next available opportunity.  
  
"Borgon." Lucius greeted. The man jumped and dropped the tray of very illegal looking merchandise he was carrying.   
  
"Why hello Lucius. What can I interest you in today?"  
  
"Another raid, I need to sell." Lucius answered grimly. He started pulling parcels out of his cloak.  
  
"You know I can't keep bailing you out like this Lucius, the ministry checks in here too. On occasion." Borgon noted.  
  
Lucius "accidentally" dropped a purse full of gold onto the pile. "But your business is always welcome here sir."  
  
"I'll be buying it all back in a week anyway. Oh, is Wormtail in here? Lord Voldemort requested I speak with him."  
  
"Oh yeah, he's in the back. Isn't he dead?" Borgon asked.  
  
"What? Oh right. Well. Yes." Lucius considered something for a minute. "James Potter is dead, right?"  
  
"Y-yes. Last time I and the Ministry checked. Your boss killed him. Personally."  
  
"Right then. J-just checking." Lucius paused by the door again. "And, oh what's his name. Shit, I married his cousin. It's on the tip of my tongue."  
  
"Black! You arsehole!" Sirius shouted. James elbowed him.  
  
"Black! Severus Black. He's dead, isn't he?" Lucius asked.  
  
"It's Sirius!" Sirius shouted, before James clamped a hand over his mouth.  
  
"Sirius Black? Yes. One of your in-laws killed him. He actually is one of your in-laws, isn't he? Or wasn't he?" Borgon asked.  
  
"Eh. One less present to buy for this year." Lucius shrugged.  
  
"He never bought me a present for Christmas!" Sirius exclaimed, freeing himself from James.  
  
"Yes I did! I bought the tie rack!" Lucius insisted.  
  
"What?" Borgon asked.  
  
Lucius looked startled. "Er…you didn't get it?" Borgon shook his head. "It was a lovely tie rack. If you'll excuse me."  
  
He walked into the backroom, James and a sulking (but still cute!) Sirius following him.  
  
Peter Pettigrew was sitting by the grime covered window, looking particularly frightened, like he always was. James and Sirius smiled evilly, noting that they were very insubstantial.  
  
Sirius reached for the fire poker.  
  
"Hello Mr. Malfoy…why is that fire poker hovering in midair?" Wormtail asked.  
  
Lucius looked around, and saw the poker heading for Wormtail. He shrugged. Then the poker started whacking Wormtail over the head.  
  
"Ow! Ow! Stoppit!" Wormtail shouted.  
  
"Bad! Bad! Bad Peter, Bad!" Sirius shouted, smacking him. "You're not supposed to kill your best friends! It's mean!"  
  
"Is that the revenge you've been planning and talking about during all of my son's books?" James asked.  
  
"NO, but it's been censored." Sirius said sadly.  
  
"They're censoring their own fan fiction?" James asked.  
  
"Yeah, they do it all the time. Besides, this fic is based on a children's movie."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Anyway." Lucius said, moving the poker aside with his hand. He was considering stopping by St. Mungo's on the way home. "Er, you had some business to discuss?"  
  
"Yes, yes. I know I've fallen behind in my service to the dark lord, being Christmas and all. Please don't shout at me. You can yell and scream and do all you like, but I'm the stone you can't squeeze blood from and that's the-OW!! Can we do something about that fire poker?!" Peter snapped.  
  
"Eh. That'll be a lot nicer than what Lord Voldemort has in store for you Wormtail. You're screwed, I can't believe that's all you called me out here for. If you'll excuse me, I have to go prepare for the secret raid that's going to be taken on my house in three hours. Good day sir."  
  
Peter whimpered as Lucius, James and Sirius made their exit.  
  
"Thank you for not shouting at me!" Peter called feebly as the door slammed. 


	3. Cleo, Remus & Harry

Lucius and his insubstantial shadows flooed to Malfoy Manor. Lucius sighed wearily as he stepped out of his large fireplace.  
  
"I think I'm cracking up." He muttered to himself.  
  
His spirits weren't lifted when he approached the double doors to the hallway. See, the door knobs transformed into the head of his very late father, Titus Malfoy.  
  
"Dad?" He exclaimed. "Get your head off my furniture! You're lowering the value of my house!"  
  
Titus glared at his son, then shouted. Lucius didn't even flinch. "A-Aren't you scared?" Titus asked.  
  
"If that's all you might as well leave." Lucius said icily.  
  
"Listen you little brat, you kill me and take my house, and then you have the audacity to make light of-MMMPH!!" Titus screamed, as Lucius placed his hand over Titus' face and turned the knob. "MMMPPHH!!"  
"Ow! He bit me!" Lucius shouted.  
  
"Dad? Why is Grandpa on the door?" Draco asked.  
  
"The house is haunted." Lucius snapped.  
  
"Well I know that. I just wanted to ask about-"  
  
"Not now offspring. I've had a stressful day." Lucius muttered, walking by Draco without looking at him.  
  
"But-okay. Oh, there are some people in the parlour to see you."  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"The third one. On the first floor. Near the main entrance." Draco clarified.  
  
"Which main entrance?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Shouldn't there only be one main entrance?" James asked. Sirius shrugged.  
  
"We had seven. Keep those angry mobs confused." Sirius explained. James nodded.  
  
They followed Lucius into the previously specified parlour. Cleo Estrelle and Remus Lupin were sitting on the couch looking awkward. They had a collecting tin with them.  
  
"Out!" Lucius bellowed.  
  
"But dad, it's for a good cause." Draco explained.  
  
"Unless it takes food from the mouths of starving orphans-what did I tell you about calling me dad?!" Lucius yelled.  
  
"S-sorry. Sir." Draco muttered meekly.  
  
"Hello." Cleo greeted. "We are collecting money for the homeless and the poor. We are NOT spies for the Order of the Phoenix in any shape, way or form."  
  
Remus grimaced. He stood up and walked over to the two with the tin.  
  
"And we haven't been snooping through this room while we were unattended!" Cleo added.  
  
Remus glared at her. Then he jumped because he was relatively sure a phantom hand had grabbed his arse. "Your house wouldn't happen to be haunted, would it?" Remus asked.  
  
"A bit." Draco answered.  
  
Then Lucius started, because he was sure he heard Black and Potter sniggering.  
  
"So, what are you collecting for again?" Lucius asked, even though he didn't really care.  
  
"The homeless, general poor. That sort of thing." Remus explained.  
  
"Well, are there no poorhouses? No prisons?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Oh yes, plenty of those." Cleo answered.  
  
"Oh. For a minute I was worried. My taxes go to pay for the prisons and the poorhouses-"  
  
"Sir? You don't pay taxes." Draco noted.  
  
"My bribes go to pay for the prisons and the poorhouses, the homeless must go there." Lucius thundered.  
  
"I thought the bribes paid for Fudge's yacht." Draco muttered in confusion.  
  
"But many would rather die than go there!" Remus exclaimed.  
  
"If they'd rather die than they'd better do it! And decrease the surplus population!" Lucius yelled.  
  
"What a mean thing to say!" Cleo shouted, in outrage. "You're a bastard! You sir are a stuffy nosed malodorous pervert!"  
"Pervert?" Lucius asked in confusion. Cleo shrugged.  
  
"I saw ya looking."  
  
"Well…Get out! What are you still doing here!?" Lucius yelled.  
  
"It's my house!"  
"It doesn't count, you're dead and shut up doorknob!" Lucius yelled.  
  
"C'mon, it's mentally unstable here." Cleo whispered.  
  
Remus was looking around in confusion. "I swear someone's grabbing my arse."  
  
"It's very rude to sexually harass people who can't see you you know." James pointed out. Sirius shrugged.  
  
"I wanted to say hi to Remus." He smacked his arse again. Remus jumped.  
  
"Come on, let's go."  
  
"Wait!" Draco dropped some money into their tin. "Happy Christmas."  
  
The two stared at him in shock, before Lucius slammed the door on them. Then he whacked his son with his cane until Draco ran upstairs crying.  
  
Lucius was in a thoroughly bad mood, and about to go torture a house elf to make himself feel better, when he heard some singing. He opened the door again and gaped.  
  
Harry Potter was standing on his doorstep singing.  
  
"Hark the herald angels sing…everyone is de-e-e-ead. Peace on earth and Voldie's coming. Everyone will suffer and die…" Harry sang in a broken tune which vaguely resembled Hark the Herald!  
  
Taking some pity on him (yes, even Lucius), he placed a few coins into Harry's hand. "Go get yourself some help."  
  
"Everyone is dead." Harry said brokenly. Lucius slowly closed the door, then shuddered. "Good-byeeee."  
  
Lucius locked the door.  
  
James was staring at the door. "Was that my son?"  
  
"Yep." Sirius answered. "He's not doing too well, is he?"  
  
"No, I would guess not." James said sadly.  
  
"RED RUM!!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Lucius shoved a couch in front of the door. Harry was tapping at the window. He ran upstairs and locked himself in one of the many sitting rooms.  
  
"This is shaping up to be a horrible day." He turned around and jumped. Seven or eight house elves were cleaning the sitting room. They all stopped and stared at him. "What do you want?"  
  
"Please sir, it's cold sir. We would like some coal for the fire please." One of the smaller house elves asked in a pitiable voice.  
  
"Better wages."  
  
"Food."  
  
"Freedom." The other elves muttered.  
  
Lucius kicked the little one into the fireplace.  
  
"AAAAAAHHH!!!" It wailed as it burned to death.  
  
"Don't need to waste money on coal." Lucius snapped, before leaving the room. The house elves were working much harder now, without complaint.  
  
"Okay we get it, he's an arsehole!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
"Cheerio! That man doing the secret raid is here!" Narcissa called.   
  
"Don't call me Cheerio woman!" Lucius snapped, stalking over to meet Weasley.  
  
"Okay Scooge." Narcissa answered happily. She was covered with garland that was trailing behind her. She skipped along popping pills as she went.  
  
Arthur Weasley looked around nervously. He always felt like the more time he spent at Malfoy Manor, the more his sanity would suffer.  
  
"Doesn't the Ministry usually send you in twos?" Lucius asked.  
  
"No one else seemed to want the job." Arthur answered.  
  
"Pity that. Well come on. You've got enough work to do, the manor is enormous. Let's get started shall we? Although I can tell you now you won't find anything."  
  
"No, I would imagine not. Er…if I did find something my pay would improve you know." Arthur muttered.  
  
"Too bad then."  
  
"And then I could afford some medication for my daughter. She's sick you know."  
  
"Well. That's very sad. I feel for you, really I do." Lucius said very unconvincingly. He then kicked a random house elf down the stairs and laughed at its pain. Arthur grimaced, and then began the raid.  
  
"You know, I only get paid if I find something! Even if I spend all day searching this gigantic house!"  
  
"Well you should complain. Unionize. Something." Lucius walked off. "Not my problem."  
  
He kicked around house elves until supper, which he ate alone in one of the upper rooms so as to avoid his annoying wife and snivelling heir. He wasn't sure if Weasley was still prodding around in his house, but he didn't much care, as the idiot wouldn't be able to find anything.  
  
Yes, the day was improving a great deal, until two ghosts popped into the corner. One of them was wrapped in a tarp, the other had a chandelier crushed over it. And both were covered in long, heavy looking chains. 


	4. Malfoy & Malfoy

"Mum? Dad?" Lucius asked in surprise. "You look terrible."  
  
"You killed us you little shit!" Mrs. Malfoy exclaimed.  
  
"Hey, the boy killed you!" Lucius argued. "I only killed dad."  
  
"Oh right. Well I have no reason to be here, I'll go haunt your brat."  
  
"Don't leave you daft cow. That'll ruin the song." Titus shouted. His voice was now somewhat muttered from the tarp. "We're here to save your soul boy, so listen up."  
  
"Do I have to hear the song?" Lucius whined.  
  
"Yes!" They both shouted.  
  
"Ahem. We're Malfoy and Malfoy, avarice and grim. We took advantage of the poor, just ignore the needy. We specialized in causing pain, spreading fear and doubt. And if you could not…okay, we weren't landlords either."  
  
"Didn't we own some property in Jamaica dear?" Mrs. Malfoy asked.  
  
"Eh…We're Malfoy and Malfoy. Our hearts were painted Black. We should've known our evil deeds would put us both in shackles. We're captive bound and double ironed, exhausted by the weight. As freedom comes from giving love oh prison comes with hate!"  
  
"Remember when we had that orphanage demolished for our summer home? That was fun, wasn't it?" Mrs. Malfoy asked.  
  
"Oh I remember the little tikes all standing in the snow. With their frost bitten teddy bears!" Titus exclaimed. They both laughed evilly.  
  
"Doomed Loosh! You're doomed for all time!" Narcissa sang as she passed by.  
  
"Your future is a horror story written by your prime. Your chains are forged by what you say and do!" The Malfoys sang.  
  
Their possessed weights on the chains sang the next part. "So have your fun when life is done, a nightmare waits for you."  
  
"Are you done yet?" Lucius asked. He looked rather bored.  
  
"No, brat. Listen!" Titus yelled. They cleared their throats.  
  
"We're Malfoy and Malfoy, whooooo! We're Malfoy and Malfoy! Whoooo!"  
  
"I know who you are." Lucius snapped.  
  
"Could you keep it down?" Draco's muffled voice reached them, after some pounding on his floor, their ceiling. "I'm trying to sleep!"  
  
"We're Malfoy and Malfoy!" The two shouted, getting very upset at their insolent descendents. "CHANGE!!!"  
  
They disappeared.  
  
"Dude, weren't they supposed to tell him about the ghosts?" Sirius whispered.  
  
"Hey yeah! Titus! Get back here!" James yelled.  
  
"Oh yeah, some ghosts are gonna show up and haunt you." Titus said, coming back up the stairs.  
  
"And this would be unusual because…?" Lucius asked.  
  
"I dunno. Just telling you." Titus said, before vanishing again.  
  
Lucius sneered, before heading off to bed.  
  
Sirius and James followed him upstairs. "Okay…so now we watch him while he sleeps? That's just creepy." Sirius noted.  
  
"Well what do you want to do then? The first ghost isn't coming until one o'clock." James said.  
  
Sirius looked around for a minute, then held up a little bag. "Jelly beans?"  
  
So the two ate jelly beans and watched Lucius sleep until sometime around twelve. Then they started throwing jelly beans at Lucius and tried to get them into his open mouth while he slept. They didn't have very good aim though.  
  
"It's one." James noted. "Expect the first ghost when the bell tolls one!" He shouted.  
  
"That was very nicely done James. Very dramatic."  
  
"Why thank you. I think it was in the book."  
  
"Ah." 


	5. the first ghosts

A bright, blinding light filled the room. Lucius jumped up and opened his bed curtains. He covered his eyes and cursed. "Shit that's bright!"  
  
"Chikin, what the hell are you doing with that?" eMu shouted as Chikin waved around an industrial sized flashlight.  
  
"Well wizards don't have electricity so there aren't any lights and I didn't want to get lost." Chikin explained.  
  
"You're going to fry his eyeballs, turn it off!" eMu snapped.  
  
"Well how can we see?" Chikin pouted.  
  
"I'll light a candle." eMu muttered. She turned to face the very confused Lucius. "Hello. We're the ghosts of Christmas past."  
  
"The both of us." Chikin added.  
  
"I think he got that Chikin."  
  
"Right."  
  
Lucius quirked an eyebrow. "I thought there was only supposed to be one of you."  
  
"Yes, well we couldn't think of who to use so we decided to do it ourselves with my portals." Chikin explained. "And since we aren't technically ghosts but we're alive, we're going to use the portal to take you back to your past."  
  
"You weren't supposed to tell him that." eMu snapped.  
  
"Well how were our readers supposed to know?" Chikin asked.  
  
EMu glared at the corner James and Sirius were sitting in. "The narrators, but they aren't doing a very good job. Why is he covered with jelly beans?!"  
"Because you wanted us to hang out in this room and watch him sleep for five hours! Honestly, who goes to bed at eight?" James demanded.  
  
EMu shrugged, then turned back to Lucius. "Alright, let's go then. Chikin, make a portal."  
"Where are we going first? And say please." Chikin instructed.  
  
"Hogwarts 1975. Please." eMu answered.   
  
"My universe or yours?" Chikin asked.  
  
"Well it wouldn't make sense if it was in your universe, now would it?" eMu snapped.  
  
"You don't have to be so grouchy." Chikin chided as she made a glowing purple door-shaped portal. They all walked through and entered a classroom.  
  
Ickle firstie Lucius was sitting in the back of the room flicking things at the muggle borns. He was surrounded by admirers and friends, who were all laughing and complimenting him.  
  
"Well this is certainly different from Scrooge." Chikin noted.  
  
"Yes, I wasn't so much a hard worker as I was good with people skills and manipulation." Lucius pointed out.  
  
"Mmm…he's a happy little bugger, isn't he?" eMu asked.  
  
"Well that ruins the lonely child montage. Should we jump to the Fozziwig part?" Chikin asked.  
  
"Naw. What about the role model thing? Cuz Scrooge had Sam the Bald eagle." eMU reminded Chikin.  
  
"Right. You realize he wasn't Sam in the book, right?" Chikin asked.  
  
EMu looked indignant. "Of course I do! Dickens wasn't that interesting! Alright, so…let's skip ahead to when he meets Moldy-Voldie."   
  
"Yay! Tom!" Chikin giggled. "Riddle me this, Riddle me that…"  
  
"So my soul and eternal fate is in your hands?" Lucius asked. EMu nodded. "That's very reassuring."  
  
They entered a Christmas party. "I told you to take us to the role model sam dude!" eMu complained.  
  
"Yeah…but apparently we made a casting change as we were writing." Chikin pulled out a pink notebook with a faery on it and pointed. "Look, now Fozziwig is Riddle."  
  
"So it is." eMu noted.  
  
"Who was it before?" Lucius asked.  
  
"DUmbledore." Chikin read.  
  
"You were going to make it Dumbledore? My first employer?" Lucius snapped.  
  
"We changed it!" eMU cried defensively. "Anyway, go observe. Look, that's the chick you fell in love with."  
  
"Oh right. Lenore. Whatever happened to her?" Lucius muttered aloud.  
  
"You had her killed. But this is when you meet and she's not dead." eMu explained.  
  
A young Looshie was introduced by Riddle to a pretty looking snake-Slytherin.   
  
"Aw…that's kinda cute. It'd be even cuter if they weren't manipulative, power hungry evil people." Chikin gushed.  
  
"I'm glad I finally introduced you." Tom Riddle said. Chikin waved at him.  
  
"Look it's tom!" Chikin squeed.  
  
"You do realize he's the Wizarding Hitler, right?" James asked.  
  
"No, hitler had a moustache." Chikin denied. She ran up to Tom and hugged him, but as he could not see or hear her, he got very confused and unnerved.  
  
"Okay, we have another song coming. Port to when Lenore dumps him." eMu ordered.  
  
They ported to a romantic looking snowy field with a frozen river and a bridge.  
  
"I don't remember Lenore singing." Lucius noted. "And I don't remember this bridge!"  
"We're dressing it up a bit. Your life is now a musical." eMU explained.  
  
"Another year before our marriage?" Lenore asked.  
  
"Eh. I'm just not feeling it right now." Young Lucius explained. Lenore glared at him.  
  
"That was the wrong thing to say." Chikin explained.   
  
"I know that now." He snapped.  
  
"Polly said you were cheating on me with the Black sisters. Is that true?" Lenore asked.  
  
"Do you want me to tell you the truth?" Lucius returned.  
  
"That was ALSO the wrong thing to say!" Chikin exclaimed.  
  
Old Lucius shrugged. "Hey, delete that! I'm not old!"  
  
"You're older than him! It's to differentiate." eMu explained.  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Oh c'mon, you are old! I can see widow's peaks!" Chikin accused.  
  
"I am not old! I am mature. Like fine wine." Old Lucius denied.  
  
"Or fine vinegar." Sirius muttered.  
  
"What was that?" Lucius looked around in confusion. Sirius whistled innocently.  
  
"I can say with confidence that I am not sleeping with Narcissa and Bellatrix."  
  
"Which one." Lenore growled.  
  
"…Narcissa."  
  
"Gah! That's it! It's over, and I've got a song about it too!" Lenore shouted.  
  
"There was a time when I was sure that you and I were truly one. That our future was forever and would never come undone."  
  
"Did she actually believe that crap?" Old Lucius asked.  
  
"No, we're paying her to do this." Chikin explained.   
  
"Chikin! You weren't supposed to tell him!" eMu exclaimed.  
  
"They're both actors. See the young you? He's really American."  
  
"I'm impressed." Old Lucius said with a nod.  
  
"Mmm. Good accent." James said approvingly.  
  
"And we came so close to being close and though you cared for me. There's distance in your eyes tonight so we're not meant to be. The love is gone, the love is gone. The sweetest dream that you have ever known. The love is gone, the love is gone. I wish you well but I must leave you now alone."  
  
Lenore walked away from 'Lucius' a bit before starting the second verse.  
  
"There comes a moment in your life like a window-"  
  
"That was pretty random." Lucius interrupted.  
  
"Ssh!" Chikin hissed.  
  
"And you see the future there before you and how perfect life can be. But adventure calls with unknown voices pulling you away. Be careful or you may regret the choice you make someday. When love is gone. When love is gone. The sweetest dream that we have ever known. The love is gone, the love is gone. I wish you well but I must leave you now alone."  
  
Chikin poked Lucius. "You're supposed to sing with her now."  
  
"I've never heard the song before, I don't know the words." Lucius hissed.  
  
"Fine. Pretend I'm you." Chikin stood behind Lenore and started singing Lucius' lines. But first she moved her hair back with her hands to make widow's peaks.  
  
"It was almost love. It was always. It was like a fairy tale, we'd live out, you and I. And yes some dreams come true. And yes some dreams fall through. And yes the time has come for us to say goodbye. Yes some dreams come true. And yes some dreams fall through. And yes the time has come for us to say goodbye."  
  
"You got a horrible actress, she looks like she's happy to be leaving me." Lucius noted.  
  
"I'D BE. You're a bit of a prick." Chikin answered. "With funny hair.  
  
Meanwhile, Lenore was walking away and 'Lucius' had snuck up behind her. He pushed her off the bridge and she drowned.  
  
James and Sirius gaped. "That arsehole! He's evil!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
"Shit!" James yelled.  
  
"Good times, good times." Lucius smiled in reminiscence.   
  
"okay, that's our lot. Let's take him back for Hagrid." eMu said.  
  
"He's supposed ta wake up there though." Chikin whined.  
  
"Well if you can make him fall asleep and then stuff him in a portal, I've no objections." eMu snapped.   
  
Lucius backed away from Chikin, but eMu seemed oblivious. Then he suffered a blow to the head. With Sirius' jellybeans. 


	6. Entrance of the Ghost of Christmas Prese...

SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"I really do need to get my head checked, that was the most disturbing dream yet." Lucius decided upon waking.  
  
"Come in and know me better man. Ho ho ho."  
  
"What in the blazes are you doing in my house?!" Lucius thundered as Rubeus Hagrid stuck his head into Lucius' bedroom.  
  
"You haven' gotten it yet, 'ave you Malfoy? We're trying to redeem yer soul." Hagrid explained.  
  
"Oh. So all that is really happening. Are they paying you too?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Five galleons an hour." Hagrid answered.  
  
"That's not bad considering there doesn't seem to be a lot of work involved." Lucius muttered. "Are they interested in a little blond slave at the moment and what do you think would be the going rate?"  
  
"They've already got your boy Malfoy, haven' you bin readin' their fan fiction?"  
  
"Not really no. How's their portrayal of me?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Absolutely satanic."  
  
"Not bad."  
  
"Well, let's get started then." Hagrid said, rubbing his hands together. Lucius didn't move. He waited.   
  
"Is something supposed to happen now?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Yes, we're supposed to go out in the street and sing, only I forgot how to get there." Hagrid explained.  
  
"We? What do you mean we? I don't sing!" Lucius exclaimed.  
  
"If you wanna live the night Malfoy, you sing." Hagrid growled threateningly. He cracked his knuckles.  
  
"I thought you were the good humoured one." Lucius said, sounding rather meek considering who he was. "And when did you get the love and hate tattoos on your knuckles?"  
"Lissen Malfoy, I'm normally good tempered an' all, but I can't stand you and this fic has proved yer even more of a bastard than I thought before. So keep your mouth shut except when yer singing, okay?"  
  
"Er…did something happen to Hagrid?" James asked.  
  
"You've missed a lot Prongs. Hagrid's still a pretty good guy, but when you get him talking about arseholes…besides, I think he was at the three broomsticks before he came here." Sirius noted. "He is swaying a bit."  
  
"An another thing Malfoy! Whas' with that hair?" Hagrid bellowed.  
  
Lucius looked in a mirror, as that was the second person to attack his hair that night. "I rather like my hair." He said defensively.  
  
"Wellit looks stupid. Specially in that ponytail ya wore once. With the little bow."  
  
"What does this have to do with Christmas or my soul?" Lucius demanded.  
  
"NOthing!" eMu screamed, jumping out from a portal. "Dammit Hagrid, you're not getting paid to drunkenly rant at him! Get cheerful now or you're not getting paid!"  
  
~Author's Notes~ This fic has been coming pretty quickly so far and our ultimate goal is to have it completely written and posted by Christmas. I realize that as I am typing this it is, in fact, September, but if you knew us better you'd understand how that deceptively simple goal could fail to come true. Here's a hint, if you keep reviewing we're more likely to accomplish our goal… 


	7. It Feels like Christmas

"Ho. Ho. Ho." Hagrid said lamely.  
  
"That's better." eMu sniffed. "Sort of. Okay, so you got shitfaced and forgot how to do the spirit thing?" Hagrid nodded, and then fell over from the excessive movement. eMu slapped a hand to her forehead. "Chikin! Send Hagrid and Loosh to Christmas day so they can sing!"  
  
"Why are you always yelling at me?" Chikin asked as she jumped out of the portal.  
  
"You were in another dimension! I wanted you to hear me. Anyway, port them." eMu ordered.  
  
"Why does Hagrid look sleepy? Does he need to take a nap?" Chikin asked.  
  
"I refuse to sing, I don't know the music." Lucius stated firmly. eMu handed him sheet music. "Damn."  
  
Chikin opened another portal and Hagrid, James and Sirius stepped through. Lucius stood against the wall defiantly. "I'm not going."  
  
"Don't make me use these." Chikin said menacingly, brandishing the bag of jelly beans. Lucius audibly gulped, then stepped through the portal.  
  
"Am I insubstantial again?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Yep. Yer insubstantial alrigh'. Cuz tha's what yer…are…er…" Hagrid slurred. He was leaning heavily on both James and Sirius, who were trying to keep him from pitching over too far to one side.  
  
"He's breaking my ribs!" James hissed.  
  
"My spleen!" Sirius exclaimed in agony.  
  
"S'in the singing uvva street corner choir!" Hagrid bellowed, very off key. "S'going home an' getting warm by the fire…"  
"We really can't have him singing this song like this." Sirius muttered to James.  
  
"It's a crime against nature." James agreed. He leaned Hagrid against the wall with much effort and forced him to down a sober-me-up potion.  
  
"Where am I?" Hagrid asked stupidly. "Malfoy! What are you doing here?"  
  
Lucius ground his teeth together.   
  
"Hagrid…remember that job you took on?" James asked.  
  
"You're dead!"  
  
"Yes. Yes I am Hagrid and so is Sirius. Sing the song already." James requested.  
  
Sirius seemed to be aiming his wand at Hagrid while James was distracting him. A beam of light hit Hagrid, and he went from being confused to cheerful in a microsecond. He let out a bark of jolly laughter and began singing.  
  
"It's in the singing of a street corner choir, it's going home and getting warm by the fire. It's true wherever you find love it feels like Christmas!"  
  
A few peasants joined in on the next bit. "A cup of kindness that we share with another. A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother. In all the places you find love it feels like Christmas."  
Back to Hagrid, who was now hugging James and Sirius, their faces turning red. "It is the season of the heart, a special kind of caring…the ways of love made clear!"  
  
James and Sirius joined in, sounding breathless while their ribs cracked in beat with the music. "It is…the season of the spirit (crack) the message if we hear it (Groan) is make it last all year!"  
  
"Aw, I love you guys!" Hagrid exclaimed, finally letting go of them. They dropped onto the ground and writhed together.  
  
"I'm so glad I am dead right now." Sirius hissed.  
  
"He broke my glasses." James lamented.  
  
Discovering his new spirit abilities, Hagrid shrank down to the size of the mice and danced with them in their hole.  
  
The mother mouse sang. "It's in the giving of a gift to another. A pair of mittens that were made by your mother…"  
  
"It's all the ways that we show love that feels like Christmas." Hagrid sang with the mice. Then Professor Trelawney caught sight of them.  
  
"I'm ready for you mice of the devil!" She held up a can of RAID with a cross on it.  
  
"AH!!!" The mice scampered away from the blessed poison.  
  
Hagrid jumped out of the hole and danced his way over to the horses outside the Hogsmeade branch of Azkaban. Sirius began hissing at the building and throwing rocks.  
  
"When did that get built?" James asked.  
  
"A part of childhood we'll always remember. It is the summer of the soul in December!" The horses sang cheerfully, while galloping happily.  
  
Inside the building, a prisoner went from begging on his knees to an angry looking Dementor, to the two of thing singing happily and hugging In a fraction of a second. This time James had the wand.  
  
"Yes when you do your best for love, it feels like Christmas!"  
  
"That Dementor has one helluva singing voice." James noted.  
  
"Yup. Ours didn't sing." Sirius said bitterly.  
  
Hagrid gathered the townspeople in the centre of the square. They all began dancing a ridiculously well choreographed number at random.   
  
"it IS THE SEASON OF THE HEART, A SPECIAL KIND OF CARING, THE WAYS OF LOVE MADE CLEAR! And it is the season of the spirit, the message if we hear it is make it last all year! It's in the singing of a street corner choir. It's going home and getting warm by the fire. It's true wherever you find love it feels like Christmas. It's true wherever you find love…It feels like Christmas. It feels like Christmas. It feels like Christmas."  
  
Hagrid let out some more jolly laughter.  
  
"You didn't sing." Sirius pointed out to Lucius.  
  
"And you didn't dance." James pointed out.  
  
Lucius shrugged, then walked over to Hagrid. "Let's get this over with. Where to?"  
"Well, we're supposed ta see yer family Malfoy. Le's see what yer boy's up to eh?" Hagrid asked. The scene changed to a dilapidated mansion. Lucius' eyebrow snapped up.  
  
"What? What is this? Shouldn't he be at the manor?!" Lucius exclaimed. "What kind of crap is this?!"  
  
"Watch, he's havin' a good time. You raised a good kid." Hagrid complemented.  
  
"No! I have failed! He's not mine, Narcissa must have slept around!"  
  
And then Draco entered the living room, looking exactly like Lucius only littler, and happier, and a much more decent person. And with better hair.  
  
"What kind of crap is that?" Lucius demanded. "I give him all that gel so my hair will reign supreme! Delete that!"  
  
"No." eMu said, jumping in from nowhere. "He gets to have gel-free hair on Christmas."  
  
"Damn you woman!" Lucius bellowed, shaking his fist. EMu stuck her tongue out and then departed.  
  
"Wait a minute…" Lucius murmured as recognition hit him. "This is Grimmauld Place. Narcissa's aunt lived here…what the fuck?"  
  
Hagrid shrugged. "It's Order Headquarters now. Oops. Shouldn'tve told ya that. Well it don' matter anyway, we're moving in a week. Shouldn'tve told yeh that too."  
  
"Don't worry, I've already forgotten." Lucius said, with an evil smile.  
  
"Tha's very nice of you Malfoy." Hagrid said cheerfully.  
  
The order of the Phoenix was gathered in the living room with pie and cake and other food. The newer members of the Order were sitting to the side, Clara, Cerasi, Draven and Draco.  
  
"He is so grounded." Lucius growled. "He's going to the basement."  
  
Draco flinched. "Is it cold in here?" He asked.  
  
"No, I'm fine." Clara answered. "Hey, let's play a game."  
  
"What sort of game?" Cleo asked.  
  
"Let's play name that bastard." Clara suggested.  
  
"ooo…I like this one!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
"I don't." James said bitterly, recalling in Hogwarts days when they'd played that game with Lily and Cleo and he'd been the bastard.  
  
"How do you play? I've never heard of it." Draco asked.  
  
"It's simple. Someone thinks of a bastard, and then we ask them yes or no questions until someone guesses who the bastard is." Remus explained. And then jumped. "I think I need to see a doctor."  
  
"Again with the sexual harassment." James muttered, shaking his head.  
  
"It's fun, do you want to try?" Sirius offered, waving his hands towards Remus' arse. James politely declined.  
  
"I've got a bastard in mind." Draco offered.  
  
"Alright. Let's see…is it male or female?" Clara asked.  
  
"Male." Draco answered.  
  
"It's me." Lucius said dryly.  
  
"Don't be so egotistical." Hagrid said.  
  
"It's going to be me."  
  
Draco held his hands up to his hairline and created widows peaks.  
  
"Okay, so it is you." Hagrid conceded.  
  
"Can we go somewhere else yet?" Lucius asked.  
  
"No, they have to finish playing the game. Look Malfoy, they're comparing you to that bloke who broke into the orphanage and ate all them babies."  
  
"I would never do something that disgusting. They'd have to be properly marinated." Lucius exclaimed indignantly.  
  
"He's making a joke, right?" James asked hopefully. "We're rubbing off on him…it's working, right?"  
"I wouldn't be so sure Prongs." Sirius said. "He looks like a baby eater."  
  
"Why, it's Ebeneezer Scrooge! I mean…Lucius. Scooge. Whatever." Clara said, blushing.  
  
"Told you." Lucius said. 


	8. Christmas with the Weasleys

"Righ' well next stop is the Weasley house." Hagrid said cheerfully.  
  
"Why are we going there?" Lucius demanded angrily.  
  
"So you can see what a loving family looks like!" Hagrid exclaimed.  
  
"If I wanted to see a loving family I'd open a hallmark card." Lucius said bitterly.  
  
"How are we getting there?" Sirius asked, looking around for eMu or Chikin.  
  
"I think it's safe to assume we're walking." James said with a nod.  
  
The four walked through the walls and onto the streets, Lucius scowling and Hagrid chattering happily.   
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"T'is the season to be jolly and joyous." Ginny Weasley sang as her eldest brother carried her down the street. She looked a little embarrassed about it as she was fifteen years old, but eMu and Chikin were sitting in a nearby alley with a cattle prod so she faked some cheer. Bill began an a cappella accompaniment.  
  
"Fa la la…bum bum bum…fa la la…"  
  
"With a burst of pleasure we see it arrive…t'is the season when the saints can employ us…to spread the news about peace and to keep love alive."  
  
Then Bill's back gave out from carrying a fifteen year old athlete home from church.  
  
"Bill! Bill!" Ginny exclaimed. "Are you okay?"  
  
"…my back…" Bill groaned. "The…pain…"   
  
A menacing buzz was heard from the alley.   
  
"Have you no decency?! No shame?! His back is out!" Ginny yelled. They made the menacing buzz again. "Oh bloody hell. Merry fucking Christmas."  
  
SKIPPY SKIPPY  
  
"I'm just…just glad it wasn't…Charlie." Ginny groaned as she lugged Bill into the Burrow.  
  
Mrs. Weasley was standing by the oven blatantly eating the chestnuts while Fred and George yelled at her.  
  
"Oh quiet you! I cooked them so I can check them!" Molly yelled.  
  
"You're not checking them you cow, you're eating them!" One of the twins yelled.  
  
"Dammit Fred!" Molly exclaimed.  
  
"I'm Fred." The other twin said lamely. "He's George."  
  
"No, I'm Fred. He's George."  
  
"Dude, you've got a big G on your shirt! I'm Fred!"  
  
The twin looked down. "That's not a G."  
  
"It's a fucking G! It's round!"   
  
"C'mon ya pansy! Have at you!"  
  
"Get away from me!"  
  
"Fred Weasley is invincible!"  
  
"You're a looney!"  
  
Molly watched this display while munching on the chestnuts.  
  
"The black knight always triumphs!"  
  
"Er…mum? Ginny just collapsed carrying Bill in here. His back's out." Ron said meekly, looking at his brothers with a bit of trepidation as they'd begun broadsword fighting with a broom and mop.  
  
"Alright then. Help your sister, she's sick." Molly ordered, between mouthfuls of chestnuts.  
  
Meanwhile on the roof the two narrators had appeared out of nowhere. "Hmm? Why're we up here?" James asked.  
  
"Don't tell me we walked from Grimmauld place to the Burrow to be transported onto the roof as soon as we got here!" Sirius growled. "For some reason I have an irresistibly strong urge to eat some flaming hot goose."  
  
"Oh ho…that's one of the more interesting things you've said…ever." James noted with confusion. Then he noticed the chimney he was leaning on. "Hey, this smells like flaming hot goose."  
  
"Does it? Mmm…" Sirius then swan dived down the chimney and the chimney, being the size of a rather large coffee can in diameter, did not permit him to enter. "I'm stuck!"  
  
"The idiot got stuck once, for a minute or two but then he-"  
  
"Fuck off Hornhead and help me!" Sirius yelled.  
  
"Well let's see. You tell me to fuck off. Oh yes, I really want to help you." James decided, sitting by the chimney and pondering.  
  
"Why did I have to be the one to go down the chimney?!" Sirius yelled. "Dammit eMu! Chikin! That wasn't part of the deal!"  
  
"Mum…the goose is talking." Ron said, once again looking confused and mildly fearful.  
  
"It doesn't have a head Ron. It can't talk." Fred said patronizingly.  
  
"Shut up. I swear, there's something wrong with that goose!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"I can't check the goose now, I'll get worms." Molly explained, now digging into the potatoes.  
  
"I can't put my arms down!" Sirius wailed.  
  
"What is this? Are we trying to see how many Christmas movies we can rip off in the course of one chapter?" James demanded.  
  
"Not just Christmas movies. They did Python." Sirius yelled up the chimney.  
  
"Mum…the chimney's dripping on the goose." Ron said half heartedly.  
  
"Sirius stop salivating on their meal!" James yelled, whacking him with a stick.  
  
"That's nasty James! They only do that in prisons!" Sirius yelled.  
  
"What are you talking about?!" James yelled, now concerned.  
  
"Well what are YOU talking about?!" Sirius demanded.  
  
"I just said stop drooling on the goose you bloody pervert!"  
  
"Excuse me Mr. Fancy words! Get me out!" Sirius yelled. James made a final push with the stick and Sirius was loosed. He fell onto the goose and broke the spit the goose was spinning on. He was then engulfed in flames. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!! MY BISCUIT'S A BURNING!!!"  
  
"You're dead Sirius!" James called.  
  
"It still hurts you wanker!" Sirius responded, now running around the kitchen with his toosh on fire.  
  
Ron's eyebrows were halfway up his forehead. "I can't be the only one seeing that."  
  
"Seeing what dear?" Molly asked.  
  
"The Goose is burning." Ginny noted.  
  
"So it is." Molly said. Then she paused. "WHAT!!!??? THAT'S OUR DINNER, GET IT OUT OF THERE!!!"  
  
Molly began throttling Ron, Ginny and Bill were groaning on the ground in a corner and Fred and George were still assaulting each other with mops and brooms.  
  
"So this is the loving family you were talking about was it?" Lucius asked Hagrid.   
  
"Never have I met my match in battle!" 


	9. Mops, Brooms and Lilies

James carefully climbed down from the roof and found a conveniently placed tub of freezing water. He carried it into the house and pushed Sirius into it. "Better?"  
  
"Th-th-thank you for m-making m-me a part of th-th-this." Sirius stuttered, slipping under the water.  
  
James shrugged. "At least the goose is salvageable."  
  
"What?" Molly released Ron and ran to the fireplace. "So it is! Ron dear, pass me the platter."  
  
"Ron's face is blue mum." George noted, then was smacked on the side of the head with a broom. "Ow! Mangy cur!"  
  
"Scurvy dog!" Fred replied, smacking George again.  
  
EMu and Chikin jumped into the house. "This scene is dragging! Sing the song so they can meet the ghost of Christmas present." eMu ordered.  
  
"Oh skip the song, it's not a very good one anyway." James suggested.  
  
"We're not supposed to show up again eMu. We were the ghosts of Christmas pa-" Chikin started, but eMu cut her off angrily.  
  
"I know that! But we're also helping out the inept narrators!"  
  
"Hey!" James yelled indignantly.  
  
"Where's Sirius anyway?" eMu asked.  
  
"Er…" James kicked the tub behind the table.  
  
"Why is that wooden tub shouting?" Chikin asked. "It says it can't breathe. It needs air holes! Funny…never thought a tub breathed before."  
  
"Did you freeze Sirius into that tub?" eMu asked.  
  
"No…it's a Wizarding tub. That's all." James explained, fairly unconvincingly. The tub made an angry sound. "Oh shut up Sirius, you can't die again!"  
  
"He is in there! Someone help me get him out!" eMu ordered.  
  
"You could roll it into the fire till he thaws out." Ron suggested.  
  
"Sounds good to me." Chikin agreed. She kicked the tub into the fireplace, and a few minutes later Sirius emerged, in much the same predicament he'd been in to start with.  
  
"Sirius, you can't be on fire because you're not really there. STOP IT!!!" eMu screamed.  
  
"Pain!!!" Sirius wailed. EMu started smacking him with a broom, which caused the broom to light on fire.  
  
"You're right, this scene is dragging." Chikin noted.   
  
"Yeah it is, and I haven't been mentioned for quite some time. This fic only has my NAME in it!!!" Lucius yelled irately.  
  
"Oh yeah, well what the fuck about me!?!?!" Lily Potter yelled, running into the house from nowhere.  
  
"Oh…hello Lily." James said awkwardly.  
  
"Shut up Jeremy. Out for a little fun with a ouija board my arse! How come no one told me about this?!?!" Lily yelled.  
  
"You're dead dear." Molly explained gingerly.  
  
"I know that! You know that! Look, they're dead! They're still in it!" Lily yelled, pointing at James and Sirius.  
  
"We're supposed to pretend they're not there." Bill explained.  
  
"So you did see them! It wasn't just me!" Ron exclaimed happily. "I'm not insane!"  
  
"We-ell…" Ginny's voice trailed off.  
  
"Hey! Back to the point!" Lily yelled indignantly.  
  
"Right, the scene's dragging on. We need to move." eMu ordered.  
  
"Not that point, my point! EMu, I'm your character! You use me. How could you leave me out? You brought in everyone I know…my best friend, my lying, fucking stupid husband…my poor baby…" Lily said miserably. "I'm all neglected."  
  
"There's no Dumbledore." Chikin pointed out.  
  
"He was mentioned!" Lily shrieked. James was hiding in a corner. Fred and George had ceased their fight to watch, in mid-battle. Fred had George pinned to the ground, the broom handle at George's throat. George had the mop in Fred's face.  
  
"Actually…he's more than mentioned…last-last scene…" eMu muttered.  
  
"Ack! You even have the Wizarding Hitler, my fucking murderer!" Lily yelled.  
  
"He is NOT the Wizarding Hitler!" Chikin complained. "Hitler had a moustache, I keep telling you people! And he walked around saying Hi!"  
  
"That's heil you idiot." Lily snapped.  
  
"I don't like you anymore! You go be dead! Be dead and alone!" Chikin yelled. She made a portal and Lily disappeared.  
  
"Where did she go?" James asked.  
  
"The cornfield." Chikin answered.  
  
"Twilight zone rules…" Sirius groaned from his corner. He was no longer flaming, but very miserable. "Hey, I'm still flaming in the good way." Sirius argued.  
  
"So anyway, that was lovely, but it doesn't fix the dragging scene. Ginny, say God bless us, everyone." eMu ordered.  
  
"God…bless us…everyone." Ginny moaned. "My spleen…"  
  
"My back!" Bill shouted.  
  
"Mmmph! Gffa moppoutta mfash, icun breef! (get the mop out of my face, I can't breathe!)"  
  
"Ack! I am victorious!"  
  
"Alright Hagrid, you need a costume change. Let's go! Church graveyard!" eMu ordered. 


	10. Intermission

Take an intermission, you've been reading for a bit. We'll be here when you get back. Go to the bathroom, or maybe get a soda or a snack or something. You've been reading this since August, I would suppose you've gotta pee. And the search parties have prolly given up by now.  
  
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"Done peeing yet?" James asked.  
  
"Give them another minute." eMu decided.  
  
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"You act like people are reading this shit." Lucius noted.  
  
"Are you kidding? This is one of our better stories. We got a lot of reviews!" eMu exclaimed indignantly.  
  
"That's It. I have lost my faith in mankind." Lucius said in amazement.  
  
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"And now back to our show." Chikin said. "Well, it would be if this wasn't the end of the chapter. Hee hee! We know you hate us." 


	11. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come

"Alright, so what happens now?" Lucius asked irritably.  
  
"When the bell starts ringin' I'm gone." Hagrid explained.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Any time now bell." Lucius said loudly.  
  
"So Malfoy…ever play rummikub?" Hagrid asked conversationally.  
  
"Dong!" Lucius shouted. "Look I heard it! You can leave now!"  
  
"That wasn' the bell an' you know it!" Hagrid objected.  
  
Lucius bent down and picked up a rock. He threw it at the church bell.  
  
DONG!!!  
  
"Twelve of 'em Malfoy." Hagrid said with A SMILE.  
  
"uRGH."  
  
After about fifteen minutes or so, Lucius managed twelve Dongs in a row with the rocks. Then it started on its own and he ripped out a few of his precious hairs in frustration.  
  
"Nooooooooooooo!!!" Lucius wailed.  
  
"Yeah, I'll miss yeh too. Shithead." Hagrid said as he faded away.  
  
And then an intimidating and tall cloaked figure appeared in the graveyard. He seemed to be floating as he approached, and the very air around him froze.  
  
"A…Dementor? They wouldn't…" Lucius said fearfully.  
  
"That's not a Dementor." Sirius muttered.  
  
"I'll take your word for it." James said.  
  
"Dementor?" Lorn Mystique shouted, pulling back his hood. "I'm just insulted."  
  
"I thought you couldn't talk…I mean, being the ghost of Christmas Future." Lucius said.  
  
"It's Christmas yet to come, and I can fucking talk if I want to." Lorn hissed. He turned to where Sirius and James were standing. "Hey! Jeremy, you owe me money!"  
  
"Er…I'm dead." James said.  
  
"That never stopped me from collecting before. C'mon, you owe me that vault you had at Gringotts!" Lorn exclaimed.  
  
"Uh…Sirius? Has Harry been using that money we put away for him?" James whispered.  
  
"I think so, yeah." Sirius answered.  
  
"Let's get out of here." James muttered. The two backed away a few paces with smiles on their faces before running for it.  
  
"Bloody cowards. Alright Malfoy, let's go." Lorn muttered darkly. He made a sort of vortex looking thing and the two of them appeared on the streets of Diagon Alley. It looked exactly the same as it always did. People were walking around, shopping, looking pretty effing cheery.  
  
"Is there a point to this?" Lucius asked.  
  
"has there ever been? Look, it's your brat." Lorn said, pointing.  
  
"Well that wasn't in the dickens book." Lucius noted. (shut up!-eMu).  
  
Draco was in his thirties in this shadow of things to come, walking down the street with his children, a boy and twin girls, and his wife, Clara.  
  
"He did not MARRY THAT LITTLE WENCH!!" Lucius roared.  
  
"You weren't there to kill her." Lorn explained.   
  
"Why wasn't I there to kill her?" Lucius demanded.  
  
"You will see." Lorn said cryptically. "Draco is happy and content, and he has all your money. He's putting it towards charities. Presently he's working on Muggle-Wizard relations and rebuilding that orphanage you demolished."  
  
"GAH!! He's getting SUCH a caning!" Lucius yelled, going red in the face.  
  
One of the twins distracted Draco while the other one snatched his wallet, and the two made off for Knocturn Alley.  
  
"Alright, so maybe the bloodline is salvageable." Lucius decided.  
  
"Come, there is much more to see." Lorn said. He lead Lucius to the Burrow. "There's really no point to this, but in following Dickens, here are the Weasleys, minus a few."  
  
"Well…I should care if they die?" Lucius asked. Lorn shrugged.  
  
Molly was sitting at the table crying, while Fred stared at the wall.  
  
"Arthur never came back from that blasted manor! A-and Ron, killing himself like that after Hermione got hit by the bus! And Ginny-"  
  
"Mum, I'm right here. I married Cho Chang! Acknowledge my love!" Ginny cried.  
  
"Ginny getting brutally murdered by death eaters!" Mrs. Weasley sobbed. "And Bill-"  
  
"Bill married John! His roommate for seven years! Mum! They have a kid!" Ginny screeched.  
  
"And that poor orphan that Bill saved, right before he died!"  
  
"Give up Ginny, She's hopeless." Fred stated.  
  
"Where's the other twin? Did it die too?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Naw, he got sick of Fred getting all the girls. He got cosmetic surgery and moved to Iceland." Lorn explained.  
  
"Iceland?"  
  
"Iceland. Come. There is more to see."  
  
The two walked through another vortex to Malfoy Manor, which was now painted fuchsia. There were lawn flamingos everywhere, and Narcissa was reclining on a lawn chair by the pool (Which was shaped like a cheerio). She was smiling and very happy looking.  
  
"I'm so glad I decided to remarry…" She said in that misty voice that indicated she was still high on happy pills-LIFE!! High on life. Or pills.  
  
"So am I." Fabio answered as he walked out of the manor.  
  
"Gah!" Lucius yelled. "That had better be the pool boy!"  
  
"That's the pool boy." Lorn said, pointing to a muscle bound young man staring at the pool with a confused look on his face.  
  
"Is that pool full of lemon jello?" Lucius asked.  
  
"Italian imported lemon jello." Lorn clarified.  
  
"It's Saturday. Let's go do a jig on my ex-husband's grave!" Narcissa declared. The three walked a few feet over to Lucius' grave and started a merry jig. The door knob let out an impressive beat for them to groove to.  
  
"Is that my dad?" Lucius asked.  
  
"He never left. Got stuck." Lorn explained.  
  
"Remind me to remove that before I die. This isn't much like the Dickens book. It's more like It's a Wonderful Life! What, do you get your horns now?!" Lucius exclaimed.  
  
Lorn rolled his eyes, and then horns sprouted from his forehead. "What do you mean 'get' my horns?" He made another vortex and then Lucius was back in his bed.  
  
"That's it…I'm killing Fabio." Lucius growled. "Wait. I was supposed to learn something from this. And I have. I have learned to make sure my family does not get a sickle from my inheritance. I shall be buried in a golden tomb! And I must place a hit on the Lupin girl. (that's Clara-eMu) Let's see…anything else? Ah. Never get caught."  
  
"Oh one more time." Sirius pleaded. He and James were standing behind Lucius. James rolled his eyes, then waved a hand towards Lucius. Sirius smacked him over the head with the jelly beans. Then the cute and late narrators went downstairs to join in the Christmas festivities.  
  
And the Weasleys, who did not die, went back to their burrow for Christmas. Including Arthur, who finally finished inspecting the manor. No, he did not find anything. Percy still died.  
  
And everyone sang an alternate version of the Love is Gone, that was the Love we found, but we cannot find the lyrics right now and our copy of The Muppet Christmas Carol has disappeared (yet we have the box! Why God why!?) 


	12. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
"Hello? Is anyone there?" Lily asked miserably, from the middle of a massive cornfield. "Aaah! That's the most frightening Jack-in-the-box I've ever seen in my entire life!"  
  
"My nose is very itchy. Would you mind scratching it?"  
  
"I hate you Chikin! I hope you die!" Lily wailed.  
  
END  
  
Happy Christmas  
  
Blessed Yule  
  
Happy Hanukah  
  
Happy Kwanza  
  
Happy Ramadan  
  
Happy Present Day (Atheists & Agnostics) (Egg-nog sticks)  
  
…  
  
Happy Non-Denominational Winter Holiday. And a happy new year (unless you're a celtic Pagan. You had your new year already…and then the Chinese New Year…oh bugger it!)  
  
^_^ @_@  
  
From eMu and Chikin 


End file.
